I am a fool when it comes to matters of the heart. I just can’t let go. Of course I’ve been heavily criticized by my peers when the topic of conversation was about my hopeless love life. But the big rock inside my head just won’t budge. Hence, being a laughing stock. Nevertheless, I couldn’t care less about what they have to say.

My excuse, I over-cherish the memories I have with my love interests (one at a time, ok?). Hell, I even cherish the moment I wake up and the first thought that runs through my mind was her! To me, each memories is sacred, be it the tiniest bit of wishful thinking or even an elaborated grand gesture. All too valuable to be thrown away. The result, I’m just being the fool who is too scared to accept the other fifty percent fraction of probability.

So, I’m not a risk taker? Well, I’ve once barged into my boss’ office and uttered dissatisfaction towards his policies in the middle of his discussion with I don’t know who. I’ve bought a house while browsing for groceries in a local supermarket with just RM32 in my pocket. I even quitted my job in my old company while the new position is still in vague. I do take risks. But matters of the heart? Phooom!! I’m invisible. Yellow? Chicken? Takde telor?

Come to think about it, I feel comfortable the way I am. Or maybe I’m just too used to it? Is it a dangerous thing? Ah, maybe time will give me answers. As far as I’m concerned, I not harming others. Annoying, maybe a lot.

I remember one thing I did recently. I tried to sleep early to wake up early. End up it was almost 3am and I still couldn’t sleep. That moment I knew I couldn’t wake up early anymore. I was devastated. I was sweating as if I did something terribly wrong. I went to the kitchen and made coffee, lots and lots of coffee. And I stayed up doing nothing until 6.30am. When the time came, I text somebody ‘good morning, bla bla bla…’, went back to sleep, waking up at 9am for work. Just because of a text message.

It was something foolish for some of you but I like it. And I know it was worth it, at least for my own psychological satisfaction. Ahh, psychology! That’s the word I’ve been looking for!

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